How do I look?

by Fiona McClymont

From: The Independant, 2004-05-01
Date added: 2009-02-12

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I'm a natural redhead. My hair was much more fiery when I was young - it's browning a tiny bit now, which is discouraging because it's taken me all of these years to become proud of it. As a child I hated the way I looked. I was the freak - the pale, puffy-faced kid with red hair who was a bit alien looking. When you're older you learn to embrace your differences, but when you're a kid all you want is to be the same. Even my family name was an added stress in my childhood - no one can pronounce it, no one can spell it; it embarrassed me.

I'll never forget when I asked my mother, in my insecure teenage years. "Um, mum, from the outside what do I look like?" and she said, "Well, if I had to describe you I'd say, 'You know Melissa - really pale with red hair, small on the top, big on the bottom.'" I realise now there's nothing wrong with that but then I was like "Euuugh, so I have a huge ass and no tits, this is terrible!" But then I read my art-history books and saw that all the women in the Renaissance had the curvy bottom and the tiny top and I started to embrace that. I'm definitely a triangle shape. That's the way it is.

I feel completely sussed now - I know myself well, I know what my body type is, I know what complements me. Modern doesn't work for me - anything Romantic does work for me. I pretty much haven't changed my look since I was 19. Back then I got into the hippie- meets- Romanticism style, the psychedelic-rock-meets-Victorian look. When I found that, I knew I'd found my thing and I stuck with it. But prior to then, I had a couple of uncomfortable eras of two styles that really didn't work for me at all because I was in denial about the curly hair and curvy body I have.

Once I joined Hole I had audiences looking at me and people photographing me for magazines and at first it was weird. I just had to ignore it because you can get really neurotic and self-conscious if you start looking at yourself from the outside. I'm not a "rock-chick". I'm proud of the fact that I don't have a "fuck off" tattoo on my body. I don't have smeared make-up, I don't wear ripped clothes. I do like denim and leather so I do go that route sometimes, but - and maybe I'm fooling myself - I think I do it in a way that my grandfather wouldn't be ashamed of. A bit of femininity and class goes a long way.

I've been photographing myself since I was 15. I've done nude self- portraits when I was totally insecure about my body - I was doing it in order to face my body and accept it for what it is. I look at the photos and I see the hundreds of different people in me - from the ugliest boy to a princess. I see the ageing process - the wrinkles on my forehead and the lines growing, but that's natural. I don't dwell on it. I turn a blind eye to things that could screw with me - I try to see the good things in life. I don't want to read a fashion magazine where everyone's talking about Botox. I don't even want to know about the fact that some people think it's ugly to develop personality lines. Women, whether they're in the public eye or not, can become very insecure about how they look and that whole thing is so evil. It's terrifying what can happen to a woman's self-image.

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