Melissa Auf der Maur: Beautiful Bitchin' Bassist Photographer

First Paper cover: May 1999

From: Paper Magazine, 2004-09-01
Date added: 2004-09-16

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I was on the cover of PAPER five years ago. I was in my last year with Hole. It was a pretty intense time. It was one of my most musical, but it was so grueling. I had never worked so hard in my life, and I felt like I had reached my musical peak. My father had died around that time, and I just focused all my energy on making music. I guess it was an escapist thing, not dealing with the reality of it.

When PAPER first came out, I was 12, living in Montreal, and I was way into Cyndi Lauper. My friend Rufus Wainwright and I were in love with each other. We both didn't care if we were a boy or a girl back then, but a few months later I had boobs and started hanging out with other kids and made him miserable.

When I decided to quit [Hole], Courtney and Eric Erlandson were very respectful and cool about it. When I leave intense relationships, I find it hard to go to the movies and e-mail with the person just once in a while. It's like that for me with all my ex-boyfriends, and that's why I haven't talked to Courtney in five years. I've never even run into her, because we don't run in the same circles, I guess. I don't really know about the Courtney headlines because I don't read those bad papers and watch those bad shows, but of course I get second-hand stories about her from people. But she's somebody who took a chance with me and gave me an amazing opportunity. I just want her to be happy. I care for her very much.

For my new record and band Auf der Maur, the Offspring asked me to tour with them, so I said yes. It was a nice gesture. But their fans didn't like me. They're not going to get into my psychedelic feminist rock music. For the songs, I set out to make my dream record. I wanted no limits. It was about playing with people I love and having no one to answer to. That's why I self-financed it. And I have such incredible friends who played with me and supported me. Basically it was like living out my fantasies -- working with guys from my favorite bands like Kyuss and Queens of the Stone Age and James Iha [Smashing Pumpkins] and Eric. I was terrified, because it meant facing my own fears. I mean, imagine having the nerve to record your own music. My God! In my career and life, I feel like I've made a perfect circle.

As told to Carol Lee

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